Two adages, that i have lived through

रहीमँ तेरे संसार में भाँति भाँति के लोग, कुछ (pardon the frech) मदारचोढ़ तो कुछ बहुते मदारचोढ़


समय से पहले , भाग्या से ज़्यादा किसी को कुछ भी नहीं मिलता है.

Setting the record straight

I am no longer 'in a relationship'. I would even go so far as to say, there never was a relationship. I was just blue-eyed about the matter from the word go. Serves me right. People had warned me not to go after her. In my heart of hearts I didnt want to believe them. My my, and how wrong I was.
She just went after what she wanted and got it. At some point, I kept deluding myself with the idea that 'i can withstand anything, and true love will change everything'. I only realized I am not that strong. It is hard to give true love when you have expectations. I had expectations, and any love built on expectations is bound to fail. Therefore, mine did. I am a better man now, having realized the extent and limitations of my emotions.
New relationships beckon, the heart grows fond of people easily, But I am cautious now. Experience has watered the seeds of the plant which will someday, hopefully, bear the fruit of wisdom.
I'm experiencing a new calm. I can now see myself change, and what is more, almost consciously choose how to change.
One thing is for sure though. I have not stopped believing in love. In fact, I can say I have understood its preciousness.
A wise person once told me 'put yourself out there, you will never live until you learn to let go'. I am now slowly letting go.

Retarded potential

A realization struck me 'with the force of an avalanche'.
I'm retarded when it comes to dealing with most life situations. In the true sense of the word, a moron.
You could even say a blind person groping in eternal darkness.
But, there is a catch. In the midst of this ocean of neanderthalic existence that is my life, I experience these sudden bursts of 'intelligence' that take me places where I would otherwise never have reached.
All my life, I've been shunning,( or maybe i've been taught to shun ) what the world would call 'stupidty',  with every ounce of my being. But as far as I'm concerned, that stupidity, that nothingness ... is the very essence of my being. That state of knowing nothing and understanding nothing, that is where I begin. And my usual tendency , in all my actions, is to reach that nothingness.....no thought, no action.
That would explain a lot of things about me. My behaviour, my thought patterns, my interaction with people ... everything.

Truth

In recent times, truth has been a major game changer in my life.
Does this mean I have been living a false life in these times ? I dont know yet.
Two, not-so-distinct yet not-entirely-the-same facets of life, both very close to my heart, have taken turns in directions that I cannot explain.
In one case, I was told a truth that I had always suspected.
In another case, I told a truth that another had (no doubt) expected.
On the one hand, "the decesion was mine to make" on the other it wasnt.
Not-so-obscure implications were made, once the truth was out.
Matters still havent concluded, so I cant make a conclusive remark.
But as things stand, the things I have learnt about truth are,
1. "You want the truth .... you can't handle the truth"2. "In the end truth will out"
3. "Truth hurts"

Gullible

If there is one word that describes me very well , its 'gullible'.
I cant explain how stupid I feel right now. All my life, i've wondered if I really wasn't as 'intelligent' as people kept telling me they thought I was. I have to thank life for showing just how 'intelligent' i am.
Given all this, I really dont want to change it one bit.Being stupid and taken advantage of is much better than being the one who takes advantage.
It was both a humbling and a learning experience. I got to understand the basis of my thoughts and actions.

Random update

Life has been a bit strange lately. Lot of uncertainty and bad news floating around. The new years predictions ( go ahead and judge me ) arent good for most people.

Thanks to circumstances I understood a few things about myself and others.

• I understand that I need to assert myself a bit more.
• Organizing an event where lots of people are involved is not something one should do out of force. It becomes even worse when someone who is not motivated is asked to lead.
• Working with greedy, lecherous people has always been and probably will always be a huge turn-off.
• Watching a friend struggle knowing there is nothing you can do about it, is something you should avoid if you can.
• Being selfish and isolated has its own advantages.
• I see my flaws and how they cripple me, now I only hope to find ways of working with them to get the best results.
• The joy of learning something new is the only thing that can and should drive people to study. Fear or necessity may help, but you will not see subtle things unless you are truly 'happy'. Well, even happiness is an emotion. Being emotionless helps best in learning.
• Cops, at least seasoned ones, are not to be reasoned with. Not unless they are related to you in some way. If you can, you should avoid them.
• The only job I'd be happy doing is the one that gives me the time I need for myself. Trick is to figure out which job will let me do it and keep my commitments. In the end I fear it will be a filthy compromise. But that the way of the world nowadays.

I should probably expand on the stuff i've said above. I will save it for another day.
Right now, back to the real world.
Have fun.

Ye duniya agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai ?

Recent events in life have made me wonder where we are headed as a soceity.
On one hand there are people who are ready to sacrifice everything they have loved just so that they can end up being an object in a business deal.
Then, there are the brave policemen who open claim that 'they can do anything, and what they say is the law'.
Serious, if i were offered everything in the world, I wouldnt take it. Ye duniya agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai ?
Life is fucking hilarious. I haven't really collected all my thoughts on these issues. Will give a more detailed account of either cases in due time.

What i feel right now ?

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

GOD ... if you really exist .. I FUCKING HATE YOU

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

Lives

Part 2
Have you ever had your friend come and beg you to save his dream for him ?
Something he has poured blood sweat and every other conceivable thing into ... and now he's facing a day where everything he has worked for is being yanked away. He is sure that the matter is beyond help, but he still asks because he will not leave any stone unturned. I have heard the words 'love', 'optimism' and 'determination'. I fucking got a glimpse of their meaning today.
All the poetry in the world will not come close to what I experienced when he asked me that question.
I have learnt more from the few hours that I've spent with this man than in all the rest of my life. For such a thing to have happened to him ... all i can say is ... life is a nasty whore with a thirst for irony.
He is a blessed soul. May he find the peace of mind , the courage and strength to carry on with his life.
Love you lots man. You rock

Lives

I have been meaning to write about some things for a while now. I hope i can do justice to the thoughts and emotions of people involved.

Part -1
The online relationships that I dedicated my blog to have ceased to exist. Broken due to ... unexplainable reasons. It hurt to do what I did, but it had to be done. Investing emotionally in someone you haven't seen ... someone you don't know for sure exists ... is not a wise thing to do. Given the state of mind I was in, when such relationships began, I can probably explain why they kicked off and thrived.
It was mutually beneficial, being each others' confidantes and sharing each others sorrows. Who knew, one could have a social life without leaving their room ? I had my an online- aunt, niece and brother all of whom I chose ( yeah, relatives whom i chose ).
The mood swings that conversations with those people caused were amazing. In fact, I'm deeply indebted to my aunt for all the love and care she gave me, nothing I have experienced or can experience will ever replace it.
The niece was a mood lifter. One 'chachu' from her and I knew my was made right there.
The bro was somebody whom I could bore with unnecessary advice and with whom I could share thoughts and opinions unlike with my real life - phased out one.
All these relationships lasted for about the same length of time. Each grew strong at different points of time tho. Why or how they came to and end ... well ... some things are better left unsaid.
I can't say I've found my closure from them, but they have broadened the horizons of my mind and heart.
I regret having hurt any of them at any point of time for whatever reason. That said, I wish all of them happy and fulfilling lives ahead. There's more to be said ... but ... I choose to stop now and forever hold my peace.

Hmmm

I agree that its been a long time and that I have made a big fool of myself by failing to live up to the 7 posts a week target.
Needless to say, im going to work without any target number of posts from now on.
Well, this is typical of me. I let things get the better of me and then just ... stop . Enough about me for now.
Over the last few weeks I have realized many things and forgotten them like I always do.
Here are some that I can remember right now.
1. The main highlight of my life is learning the same lessons over and over again by making the same mistakes.
2. Facts and logic aren't sufficient for me to get convinced.
3. God's debris is a weird book to read
4. To get out of a rut, one has to do more just 'wanting' to get out, therefore making the chances of me getting out of a rut all by myself successfully, close to impossible
5. Never help people who dont want to be helped
6. Online relationships are dicey and ...one shouldnt invest emotionally in them.
7. If you want to help people with no motives of your own, be prepared to be screwed over and over and over and over ....
8. A phenomenal amount of time is wasted in trying to figure things out. Sometimes its best to blindly follow the crowd.
9. There is no feeling that can replace speaking to an old and forgotten friend and discovering that the bond still exists.
10. The internet is a place to meet weird people, anyone who hasn't has missed out on their full internet experience.

I dont really want to stop ... but ... I dont want to become 'Prak' :). Douglas Adams went over the top with that one.
For those who are interested, here's what wikipedia has to say about prak
"Prak was a witness in a trial on Argabuthon where the Dwellers in the Forest were suing the Princes of the Plains and the Tribesmen of the Cold Hillsides. Prak was a messenger for Dwellers in the Forest sent to the other two parties to ask "the reason for this intolerable behaviour." He would always walk away thinking about how well-thought out the reason was, but he would always forget what it was by the time he got back. The white robots of Krikkit broke into the court room to steal the Argabuthon Sceptre of Justice, as it was part of the Wikkit Gate Key. In so doing they may have jogged a surgeon's arm, while the surgeon was injecting Prak with truth serum, resulting in too high a dose. When the trial resumed, Prak was instructed to tell "the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth," which, due to the overdose, he did. People at the scene had to flee or risk insanity as Prak told every single bit of the entire truth of the entire universe and all of its history, much of which they found ghastly. Prak recalled that many of the weird bits involved frogs or Arthur Dent. As a result, when Arthur Dent came to visit him in search of the truth, he nearly died laughing. He never did write down anything he discovered while telling the truth, first because he could not find a pencil and then because he could not be bothered. He has therefore forgotten almost all of it, but did recall the address of God's Last Message to His Creation, which he gave to Arthur when the laughter subsided. He died afterwards, not having recovered from his laughing fit. "